Peace is a Privilege
Not everyone had the opportunity to either experience or observe a healthy, peaceful relationship where expressing oneself was not faced with negative consequences. Some people experienced trauma and abuse in their relationships. Access to manifesting peace in one's relationship is a privilege, even though it shouldn't be. Everyone should have the knowledge, experience, and skills to achieve peace in their intimate relationships. Since peace is not a privilege, we may find ourselves dating people who may be alarmed by clear, healthy communication and supportive partners. This may be a new concept entirely to them.
Dating a DV Survivor
some victims of domestic violence are unable to find comfort in healthy relationships initially. this is sometimes due to the anxiety from waiting for the "honeymoon" phase to pass before the abuse sets in again. this muscle memory is trauma that has been tried and true in a past relationship. when everything is quiet and calm, it can be truly ominous for a victim of DV. You may find your partner gets nervous when everything is fine. They may check in constantly to see if anything is wrong, seem unsure of accepting gifts or nice gestures, and be overly vigilant in ensuring you are comfortable. Getting out of this headspace that something terrible will happen, so peace is temporary, takes time for a DV victim, and it cannot be rushed. Support your partner with affirmations and listening to any of their concerns.
Peace is an Alien
Some people have no perception of what peace looks like in a relationship. They may mirror their ideas of a healthy relationship from what they have learned from society. To them, a healthy, peaceful relationship may look like television tropes - a nagging wife, a jealous boyfriend, a spouse that doesn't believe in privacy, a spouse that hides away in their "den," no dates once married, a lover that gambles, etc. This level of disconnect from peaceful/healthy relationships can be unlearned. Usually, there are various -isms to be unpacked. They may have also internalized problematic perceptions of themselves as well.
What is Peace to You
If your partner is struggling with finding peace, ask them what peace in a relationship looks like to them. For those healing from abuse, empowering them with the opportunity to define what peace looks like can yield good results. Talking about this can also unearth possible triggers that they feel don't represent peace. You may have been unaware that what you thought was displaying peace was causing them discomfort. For those who have adopted outside ideals of peace - the same question can be asked, emphasizing, "why do you think this displays a healthy, peaceful relationship?" These same questions, of course, can be asked of yourself.
You Aren't Exempt
Sometimes it can be glaringly apparent that a loved one has not experienced peace in a relationship. However, that does not exempt us from being the same. Nor does it make us the subject matter expert in what peace looks like in a relationship. be cognizant of any judgment of what someone feels their ideal of peace is. Also, make sure you communicate what you think peace is to your partner. this is not a one-sided conversation.
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